reach out and touch faith

today as i drove to work, i popped in my jennifer knapp cd and remininsced about my child and teenage years. in case you aren't aware, jennifer knapp is a christian artist who kind of fell off the face of the earth, musically speaking. mainly, there are rumors that she came out as a lesbian and was shunned by her recording company. this may only be a rumor. the important part is that she is no longer in the christian industry and seems to be mia.

listening to her songs, i did an imaginary timeline in which i traced my own faith-based past. many people find it hard to believe i was a "die-hard" christian, mostly because of my increasingly liberal views on most world and social issues. however, it is true. i was raised in a very christian household with a mother who was (and is) a very strong believer. i went to church as a small child and eventually went to youth group in middle and high school. I began to become pretty active in my church around the age of 12 or 13 and stayed active until I was about 17. most people, upon speculation, will say that once i decided to come out i felt that church wasn't for me. i guess that may be true. however, i think the realization that i could have no faith in a place that couldn't see past a small portion of me resulted in my lack of interest.

i had a group of very close friends in high school. five of them: cassie, alanna, tarin, carissa, and stephanie. they were my "bff" my "ffe" and mostly my favorite people in the world. alanna and i hung out nearly every day of the week - she is actually the one who taught me to put on makeup. cassie was alanna's sister and equally as fun; my entire family laughs about the time she took every condiment out of the fridge and wrote her name on it with a sharpie. i guess this kind of opened our eyes to how long condiments last! tarin and i also spent a lot of waking time together - she loved to dance and mostly we just laughed. carissa and i produced videos, went in the spa, and focused alot on making each other confident in ourselves. and stephanie was the first person i met in 10th grade with a matching pink backpack. i think that was the reason for our clickage. us and two other boys were voted "best friends" in that year's yearbook.

my other best friend is one i've had since pre-school.

the reason i bring them up now is because stephanie is really the only one whom i still talk to. she was very kind in allowing me to live with her for a couple months when i left my parents. after i came out to the others, our friendship slowly dissipated. their disapproval of me, based of faith, became evident and slowly they quit returning my phone calls, listening to my issues, or being supportive in general. i know i probably played a part in pushing them away as well. they all still talk, hang out, and have been at each other's weddings. however, my existence seems to be forgotten. since then, i have written letters apologizing to them and left them voicemails. looking back, i have nothing to apologize for. i am proud of my life, proud of who i am becoming and who i already am. i maintain the attitude that it is them that is missing out, not me. however, it still hurts me to know that they have shunned a supposed best friend based on faith reasons alone. one of them talks to my sister when she gets her hair and nails done, i don't think she asks about me.

i can remember my best friend since preschool calling me to tell me she is no longer comfortable with the idea of living together based on my sexuality. she also wrote me an extensive letter, explaining that she still loves me but does not agree on my "lifestyle choice" and feels that my eternity is likely jeopardized. i think that hurt me more than most things.

it's just odd to me, that a religion based on not judging lest you be judged, relying on a savior to forgive other people of their sins, and even that everyone is a sinner has pushed me away in so many directions. these people are the ones that i grew up with, knew me as a best friend, and still shunned me based on a portion of my life that doesn't really affect them.

i know that when i get married, it would be a compromise on their behalf to attend the wedding. however, i flew out to florida to attend my best friend's wedding to a man she had met on the internet only a month before then. not because i approved and not because it was an easy thing to do, but because i love her and support her in her decisions. i just hope the decision she is making turns out to be the right one and if it turns out not to be, i know that i would be just as supportive in helping her pick up the pieces. i guess i thought that is what friends were for.

i guess this is a major portion in why my view on faith is shattered. since high school, i have met quite a few people who have helped me pick up my faith pieces and realize that these experiences don't reflect every aspect of religion. my bff is studying to be a minister and reaches out daily touching people who are different. she doesn't try to win them over, just loves them. my mother has made leaps and bounds and has loved me continually. whether or not she understands me, she has opened her arms and loved me. explaining what this means to me is impossible but i know any amount of gratitude is not enough. my girlfriend's mom is so loving and so accepting of people and their differences. Not as a fault but merely as a difference.

As I get older, my feelings toward faith are more rational and more grounded. my anger has subsided and been replaced with an effort toward reconciliation. My pride has had a tough time coming to terms with the fact that i was hurt my friend's actions. It still happens that when i peer into their blogs or other online social groups, my stomach hurts. This will subside though, with time, as it has already. I found that I felt strongly when it came to my girlfriend being educated about faith and even if this doesn't always reflect my personal beliefs, I think lessons about loving each other and being kind to the earth are irreplaceable and encouraging.

I guess my goal of blogging more frequently dissipated as quickly as it appeared. However, I have the option to always make the one of my resolutions. Of which, I rarely believe in.

Christmas was incredible. Every year, I am amazed at how close my family has become and enjoy every second. Our tradition has changed but it seems to be for the best. I also have the best meal of the year on Christmas. Since I stopped forcing my family to go to the Midnight Service, I also get the best night's sleep all year.

I had Christmas again the following evening with my lady. She is truly incredible. To leave out mushy details, we finished Christmas how we started it: a full bottle of wine. or two. If I ever lacked a positive outlook for the future, she definitely helps me find it. I am a lucky lucky girl.

Christmas came and went. And then we celebrated New Years. It was an interesting evening accompanied by the aforementioned lady, new friends, absinthe, and an old...flame? It was odd to see her for the first time in almost a year, however it was only midly uncomfortable. It was also strange to see how nothing had changed - roommate still exists. Control still exists. Very sad. My New Year was brought in with a kiss that a barely remember (because of my run-in with Absinthe) but am positive it was the only way I would want to bring in the New Year. Below you will find a list of resolutions. Of this list, I resoluted (?) to only break two. I am not sure which two, but hey... we all need a little leeway.

1. Learn to communicate better and more effectively. This is true in romantic relationships as well as friendships and familial relations
2. Follow the G.I. Diet and lose 50 lbs by April.
3. Quit drinking Jager.
4. Stay organized at home and at work.
5. Stop living to work.
6. Participate in more community service.

In other news, I have caved and purchased the Britney Spears cd. It is amazing. I also purchased the new KT Tunstall cd - equally as good as her first!